Sunday, April 08, 2007

"Your Résumé Is God's Instrument"

As Dahlia Lithwick notes, that's the maxim featured in this recent edition of Regent Law School's alumni newsletter (Regent was founded by Pat Robertson, and Monica Goodling is a 1999 grad). As we learn more about the backgrounds of the characters in the DOJ scandal, the importance of "God's instrument" becomes clearer. Rachel Paulose, U.S. Attorney for Minnesota (details here on the current controversy surrounding her) has an undeniably good résumé, which is available here on page 11. But one thing sticks out. Under "Education," she lists "Westville Bible Chapel: Sunday School Teacher." One might have thought it more appropriate to put that under "Community Activities" (where she lists concurrent involvement with the Yale Law School Fund and notes her Brown Belt in karate). But on a résumé, obviously, the "Education" section is more prominent than "Community Activities" -- and of course she perceived that particular activity as important to her potential employers. I wonder at what point in her career she decided to point out her Sunday interests so conspicuously. In any event, with colleagues in the Minnesota office complaining about Paulose's habit of quoting Bible verses, it seems Sunday School was indeed an important part of her law school education.

The nooks and crannies are full of telling tidbits. Check out the "Friends" section of what's apparently Monica Goodling's archived web page, where she reminisces about her undergraduate days at Messiah College, an evangelical Christian school. The name of an important campus building she remembers fondly? "The Whitehouse." Not exactly subtle, is it?


Anonymous Doug said...

As readers may know, the English often play a linguistic game with phrases such as 'nooks and crannies' whereby they transpose the initial letters. In this case, 'crooks and nannies'. There are times, like this post, where the transposition makes as much sense as the original.

4/09/2007 7:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never mind 'your resume is G-d's instrument,' what is someone who graduated from ANY law school in 1999 doing in the White House vetting federal district attorneys? This person isn't old enough to know how to cross the street, let alone pass judgment on her seniors' work records!

4/09/2007 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But you forget that she worships at the foot of Bush, which almost makes her overqualified.

Besides for this administration knowledge and experience are reasons for not getting a position.

Because then they maybe able to think and that is a no-no.

4/09/2007 6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being as religious as she purports to be, I'm surprised that she's not anxious to get in front of Congress and swear to God. Maybe she's a Quaker?

4/10/2007 8:34 AM  
Anonymous goldhorder said...

Sound like Supreme Court

4/10/2007 11:40 AM  
Anonymous NY Times Feature Part II said...

Coozanella Frotworthy is a lissome young woman with mild rickets. Her winsome smile shows a single carious incisor tilted at a rakish angle. She is a top achiever in the rarified sphere of elite Christian education. Coozanella is valedictorian and class president of the Frotworthy Family Christian Acaddemy. The home-schooled teen has applied to Regent University, her first choice, Liberty University, and the Close Cover Before Striking School of Evangelical Cosmetology. "It's important to have a safety school," Coozanella says. Last year Regency accepted only 99.9992 per cent of applicants. Her ambitious course load includes A.P. Jesus, A.P. Bible, A.P. Gospels, and A.P. Revelation. Last term, for extra credit in her A.P. Genesis course, she published a paper in the refereed journal Evangelical Biology entitled "Research Lacunae in Secular Paleontology: Shark's Teeth or Devil Fossils?" She tries to cultivate the broad-minded curiosity required at a top Christian University. She recently used Conservapedia for independent study of the ancient civilization of Crete after hearing her social worker allude to her cretinous features. What she learned disappointed her. "The Cretans are not a Christian culture," she says. "They worship bulls and jump over them. I am proudest of my true heritage, the Pentecostal Christian faith of the founding fathers." The pressure to succeed can be daunting. Coozanella worries that she "flubbed" a question on a recent placement test, inaccurately characterizing Jesus' teachings on Dilation and Curettage. She balances schoolwork with cherished family rituals such as naked bedtime hugs, oral-genital thanks and praise and the joyous soapy bathtub game they call "He is risen." There's a lot of peer pressure and competition over who is the most popular daughter. But Coozanella expects that the pressure will help her achieve her ultimate ambition. "I want to be the first female Attorney General personally annointed by Christ's avatar on earth."

4/10/2007 5:25 PM  
Anonymous Abner McGillicuddy said...

Praise him. Your web log unfairly characterizes my alma mater and I would like to set the record straight. My time at Regent was a multifaceted spiritual growth experience consistent with the glorious diversity of the one true Christian faith. My classmates included an Italian-American, a several Lutherans and a Jew who was unable to get into Brandeis. (Our Jew came in for much good-natured ribbing during the weekly rapture drills.) Academics came first, of course, as befits our preeminent scholastic reputation. I studied latin, Hebrew and tongues. My political science major encompassed stoning, shunning, burning, hanging, pressing with stones, bloodless rigors, disembowelment, drawing and quartering, racking, exile, and of course crucifixion. Athletics were important as well. The Fighting Stumpjumpers of Regent U. were consistently ranked one or two in the ACC (American Christian Conference). Regent was a wrestling powerhouse, in freestyle, Greco-Roman and particularly Judeo-Christian, which involves special fighting tunics, strenuous holds, and ritual annointing with fragrant oils. Regent wrestling coach Flipsie St. Clair gets over 600,000 visits daily at his website of match videos, Tusslin' with the Hot Sweaty Gladiators. Fellowship was another integral aspect of the Regent experience. My peer counselors helped me overcome my sinful propensity for furious compulsive masturbation with furious compulsive prayer. In short, my Regent education has prepared me to purify the world of all its subhuman filth in preparation for the final apocalyptic destruction of secular contagion in Christ our Lord, Amen, aggle aggle aggle oogle oogle oggle oggle gungh urggh!

4/11/2007 6:08 AM  
Anonymous delilah said...

Abner, is that you? Remember me, Delilah? During the junior year at Jonestown program? I will never forget how you clasped me tight and shuddered in ecstasy as the spirit came into you when they put up the cardboard cutout of George Bush and shook it around like it was talking and striding forth and vanquishing Islam. You saw Christ standing behind him. The spirit shook you down to your very loins as the generator failed and twin dark tongues of chaste flame met and mingled as one. I often think of it as I mortify the flesh of my Christian husband and earthly king with the business end of the 'royal staff of Solomon.' It raises him up in heavenly joy. Let us pray offline - I'm at salome AT submitinchristianhumility DOT org. Oh Abner, don't you want to partake of the power of his grace?

4/12/2007 8:26 PM  
Anonymous Steve said...


Hilarious for such a bullshit blog...

4/20/2007 5:57 AM  
Anonymous Matthewmarklukejohn-boy said...

Indeed. Your rootless cosmopolitan weblog has only begun to feel the lash of godly wrath. Your presumptuous questioning Aristotelian logic is an abomination to his word and your filthy atheistic ethics blight your souls. Your disobedient freethinking Ivy League reason has angered the lord, and the troubles you have undergone are the merest taste of the hell on earth that god will bring down. Fierce storms. Vermin, gorging on your somnolent flesh or dragging foul plump tails through your convenient foreign food. Corruption and sexual predation. Sanguinary yet comically dimwitted tyrants mocking your "natural" laws. Bloodshed and chaos engulfing the globe, gog and magog on the march. Tsunamis. Temblors. Plagues of stealthy social diseases and winged miasmas. Murderous atavistic sectarian fanatics chanting 'god is one.' Asteroids zooming down from the heavens. Giant supernovas. Universal cosmological extinction. Inexorable glaciers. Race mixing induced by forced government injections that reduce your daughters to uncontrollable pansexual rutting strumpets. Minor climate change induced by bovine farting. Repent your meritocratic sins or we shall watch and jeer in safety from the heavenly bleachers of Jesus Christ almighty. Subhuman gutter cockroaches, may god redeem you in boiling fire.

4/21/2007 10:11 AM  
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